Being alone for a long time

So here I am at home. Alone. I watched a few episodes of "One Tree Hill" (I started watching because I have a crush on Sophia Bush). And I sang 8 or 9 songs in Rock Band (ended with "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi). Oh and I've had a few drinks. Maker's Mark 46 mixed with Coke. Might seem like a travesty to mix such a good bourbon with coke, but I have a sweet tooth and I like have the Coke to offset the taste a bit.

I don't usually drink alone. It's not a common thing. But I think I may have wanted it tonight. I let my hopes get up, and then had them dashed. It's been a while since I've had that kind of hope really. And I'm writing this blog post partly because I seem to deal with things by writing about them, and partly because I don't think anyone actually reads this blog.

A couple Sundays ago I went to a gamer convention... a tremendously geeky affair with tens of thousands of gamer geeks coming together in a place that according to Wil Wheaton is a kind of home for us. It's called PAX, or more specifically in this case: PAX East. I go to this convention every year it's been on the East coast because I am a gamer geek. I play World of Warcraft; I play Dungeons & Dragons; And I have a great love of games that help me escape the real world for a little while. Going to that convention is a bit of an escape for me too.

I should also mention that I've been alone for a long time. Yeah. Surprise there. The truth is that I fit the stereotype of a geek. I don't really know what I'm doing in social situations... especially the ones where there's a girl I might be attracted to. I really have no clue. I don't understand subtle clues. I don't really seem to notice the overt clues either. And when I'm in those situations I don't know what to expect, or what's expected of me. I'm like a geek in a dance club.

Anyway, going to PAX I can usually relax because I know exactly what to expect. It's bunch of people that share some common interests and who really care about being part of something that's pretty impressive. I don't think anyone there would turn down a request for aid from other convention goers. I think it's a good group of people. And I like being there. I do feel like I'm at home.

This year (April 6 to 8, 2012) wasn't different. It was a good time. Sunday more so than other days. The good stuff started when I found myself in line for the Penny Arcade Q&A which meant that I was also in line for the taping of the "X Play" show from the G4 channel. The X Play taping was first, and they weren't emptying the theater before the Penny Arcade Q&A so I stayed in line. I was so pleasantly surprised to find out that the X Play folks are a pretty fun group of people who talk games in an entertaining way. I guess it's their job, but not everyone does their job well. These people did. I might have ended up on TV because I got a good seat and the camera was on me a lot. I should find out. Anyway, it was a fun way to spend some time, and it was the start of my good Sunday.

Following the X Play taping was of course the Penny Arcade Question and Answer event. Every year they do one per day of the event (Q&A 1, Draw a Strip, and Q&A 2). And there's usually some good stuff. Good questions that get funny answers, or good questions that get heart-felt answers... it seems meaningful. Gabe and Tycho (the guys of Penny-Arcade: Mike and Jerry) stand up there on the stage and basically hang out with us. These are guys who share their humor and humanity with us through their web comic, but also through their charity Child's Play, and of course through the conventions they put on for people like me. They're good guys. And they make sure that they don't lose touch with their fans by putting themselves there for us to talk to and to ask questions of.

I feel like I should share this one because it made me tear up right there along with everyone else in the theater (except Jerry... because apparently according to Mike, Jerry has no heart). This one guy was first in line at the microphones to ask a question. He was in a wheel chair, and I had seen him before. He had asked questions at previous PAX events. This time he told a significant part of his story as a prelude to his question. He talked about how he fought cancer. Apparently it was really bad cancer because he was in the hospital for a long time, and he lost his legs to the cancer. I didn't even know that was possible, but I saw this guy up there in his wheel telling his story, and I don't question it. If that's all there was I could have gotten away with "nearly crying". He kept talking about how in his time in the hospital his hope got tarnished... and broken. But that was a lead in to how there was a Nintendo 64 in the hospital and how it was the only thing about any of his situation that helped him feel happy. It was the only thing he looked forward to. And he mentioned that the experience made him think about younger kids who had to go through the kind of thing he went through...

And I'm crying now just thinking about it. But that's what Child's Play does. It raises money to help make sure there are games for kids to play while they're in the hospital. It might not sound like much compared to charities set up for research into cures, but this guy that got in front of the microphone and told his story pointed out the importance of giving a child something to look forward to when doctors and life itself are telling you that it's probable you're going to die.

Mike and Jerry seemed to be in awe of the story as it was being told... and really... who could blame them? Mike was rubbing tears from his eyes. The man in the wheel chair ended his story and said that he was going to stand up for the first time at PAX (on prosthetic legs), and that what he wanted most as a result of standing up was to hug one of the guys from Penny Arcade. He just asked for hug.

Yeah. I'm still crying. A community that can have moments like that...

Anyway, the Q&A had many more questions and answers, and some of it was funny and there was even more emotionally charged content. It was time that I'm happy I was a part of. I wouldn't have missed it. And I'm hoping that by telling you about it, you can get an idea for how my day had started. It felt important and like I was part of something. It was already a good day.

But the icing on the cake was something else entirely. I met Cheryl.

I didn't mean to meet her. She was one of the "booth babes" at the Steel Battalion booth on the vendor floor. I was standing there watching the game being played on the machines they had set up there. I would have tried the game myself, but the line was estimated at 3+ hours. So I settled for watching the game being played. Looked like a good game. Cheryl walked up to me and asked if I wanted a temporary tattoo (a symbol from the game or something). I was amused and agreed to have the temporary tattoo put on.

Now normally, if I pretty girl talks to me that might potentially be available... I turn stupid. I mean flat out retarded to the point of being incapable of forming a complete sentence longer than two words. I'm pretty sure drool is normally involved. But in this case... she was a booth babe... and I have preconceptions about girls that work in jobs that require they use their appeal to market something. Bartenders and waitresses fall into this category. I'm fairly certain that in those kinds of scenarios, they get sick of being hit on pretty fast, and in a convention full of socially unskilled people (yeah... I'm sorry... it's part of being a geek), I guessed she was done with being hit on. As a result my mind never even considered the possibility of flirting with her. I was really there to watch the game.

After she put the tattoo on me, she talked to me a little about the game, and obviously that's part of her job too: sell the game. So I didn't think anything of it, and as a result, I was able to relax. I was myself. If I had thought for a moment that there was a chance I could take this girl on a date, I would immediately have devolved into a drooling mess. But it wasn't an option, and it didn't occur to me. I was just myself. We talked a bit about how even as a person working the booth she hadn't had a chance to try the game, but that she wanted to. This surprised me a little. Pretty girls aren't interested in video games... especially not combat oriented ones (I'm sure there are pretty girls who are... just saying that the probability of meeting one is low). I called her on it, and she was quick to say she was not a gamer, but that the game looked fun. She then told me about how she got addicted to Zelda when it came out on original Nintendo, smong other games as game systems progressed. I was amused at her claiming to not be a gamer while telling me about the games she played.

And we just kept talking. I'm pretty sure she was supposed to talk to other people at the booth as time went on, but we just kept talking. And it was nice. I enjoyed myself. But it eventually ended. Her coworker (one of the other booth babes) told her that she was supposed to take a break now, and I got to thinking about dinner with the friends I had come to the convention with. At this point... I still wasn't thinking about Cheryl as a potential friend or more.

I am an idiot.

And I started thinking about that right after I got to the meeting point for dinner. It bothered me enough that I went and found some paper and a pen to write my contact information on. I was planning on giving it to one of her coworkers in hopes that they would give it to her and in hopes that she would get in touch with me. Instead... I waited at the booth for her break to finish. I saw her, and she was doing her job talking to people. And I remember smiling. What's more, when I walked up to her, she smiled as widely as I was. It turned out she had been thinking the same thing. Right after leaving for her break she had made an effort to come back to find me. She was happy I had come back. She took my contact info, and because it was near the end of the convention, and because it was Easter she had things to do after the convention. I would hear from her soon.

And I did. We texted a bit on the following Tuesday, and talked on the phone on Wednesday a lot. We talked for hours and there was enough laughter to cause hurting cheeks and breathlessness. It was good. And I have to point out that I HATE talking on the phone. I hate it. I avoid it whenever possible, even with close friends. I hate it. But with Cheryl, I wasn't nervous or uncomfortable. That's something I should focus on a little. Somehow, with Cheryl I wasn't terrified of her finding out more about me. I guess it related to the fact that she already knew I was a geek. She already knew I am a gamer. She already knew the stuff that I'm nervous about telling any girl that might be interested in me. And seemed to like talking to me anyway. And my desire to keep talking to her over-rode my desire to get off the phone. I really do hate talking on the phone.

So anyway, we made plans to meet at the New England Aquarium for a date on the following Saturday. We settled on it because I mentioned I hadn't been in a while, and she liked the idea. the other reason it was good was because it was about half way between us. That's the sad part really... Boston is the halfway point in a 2 hour drive between us. It was the first thing I became aware of that might be an obstacle to this "thing" turning into a relationship. But I didn't think too hard about it. I wanted to spend time with this girl... and she was the first person ever that I ignored my dislike of Massachusetts and long drives for.

We met at the aquarium, and I think we had a pretty good time walking through the place looking at the fish, the penguins, and the 600 pound 70 year old turtle. I think it was a nice time even though the aquarium seemed smaller than I remembered it. We went for a walk and had lunch in Faneuil Hall at a Mexican food place. It was really good actually. I had a shrimp and red cabbage taco that was spectacular. It was delicious.

After lunch we went to the imax theater they have to see one of the 3D movies which turned out to be a thinly veiled attempt at making us feel guilty for polluting our planet. So the movie wasn't great, but we both laughed about it.

And then we didn't have much to do, but it didn't feel like the date was over yet. If we had been closer to home I would have invited her over and made dinner for her or something. If I had known Boston better maybe I could have come up with an option, but this was an awkward point in the date where I just didn't know what to do. We ended up discussing how we live two hours apart, and how when her school schedule picks up, she won't have any free time. At all. The combination of no free time, and a possible 2 hour drive between us was making me sad right there on the date. I didn't know what to do about that. I think I was floundering a bit. I don't think it was my finest hour.

We ended up at a bar nearby. Coincidentally, that bar was the one where one of my company Christmas parties was held (with other embarrassing stories to be told). If anyone actually is reading this... it was an XOS Christmas party, where I failed to understand some signs from a pretty coworker... anyway... another story... another time...

So Cheryl and I were at this bar. And the bartender was a friendly guy who knew his job. He was good at easy conversation, and it started to make me feel like I was failing. I wasn't the most interesting seeming guy there. I couldn't hate him... he seemed nice, and was just doing his job. But I felt like I was losing ground. I guess I knew after the conversation about distance and time issues that something was wrong, and I let it show in my behavior. I may have already given up at this point. Stupid.

I didn't want to though. Cheryl showed me that women that I can really be interested in do actually exist. Intelligent, a little geeky, beautiful, friendly... I didn't want to fail. I had let myself feel hope for this one despite the obstacles. I didn't care about the obstacles... or rather... I wanted to find ways around the obstacles.

Today, I sent her a text asking if she could see me again this weekend. And her response was... honest and forthright. It also hurt. Probably more than I want to admit to myself. I cried watching One Tree Hill. The songs I sang in Rock Band were sad ones. And I almost forced myself to remember the story of the man at PAX that survived cancer and only asked for a hug. Cheryl told me that she only felt a platonic connection, and that the distance may have played a part.

I let my hopes get so high. Meeting her was so amazing to me. I guess the situation wasn't right, and apparently I'm not what she's looking for... but it was was a moment where I believed again for a little while that I could meet someone amazing. Hope. I'm not sure I can make it clear enough that I felt hope, and that it's such an unusual thing for me. I let myself be vulnerable... to feel something... and my first foray into that arena in a long time ended with me feeling sad at work... in a way I didn't know how to deal with. I ignored it at work. I came home, had dinner and watched TV... I cried. I guess the writing for the show is good enough to get that reaction from me, but I think it was for something else that I cried. I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. And I needed to write this blog entry.

I deal with things poorly I guess. Writing about them helps. Some. As I draw this blog entry to a close, I find myself wondering how to get people to read it. I find myself hoping to get a response from someone. Maybe compassion. Maybe pity. Just something to make me think that someone agrees that what I went through had some meaning and that it was sad. I know it's not like the guy who survived cancer. But I am sad. And having people try to comfort me would help I think, even if there's nothing anyone can do. I'm going to resist the urge to post this on facebook... I think mostly so my mom doesn't read this story. I don't feel like enduring her concern. She'd say something about this, and try to help. I didn't tell her anything about it for a reason, even when I thought things were good.

And I'm writing this post to the internet because I don't really feel like I do have a person to talk to about this kind of thing. My friends are married (or at least attached), and some have kids. Some have moved away. And I'm left alone. I've been alone for a long time. I guess that's just how it has to be. I'm tired of it... but I don't know how to change it.

Being alone for a long time... I think it's had a negative effect on me. I guess it's possible to survive alone. I'm doing it. But I'm not happy. Maybe if you're reading this what you can take from this long post is that if you have the chance to be happy with someone... take it. Because being alone for years... it's not a great way to live.