I think more than I want to. I would guess that most people are thinking non-stop, all the time. I would guess that the way I think is normal. I'd guess that everyone starts thinking about all the things that need to be worried about as they lay their head down to sleep. Are bills being paid? Did I eat well enough today? Did I make good use of my day? Did I exercise at all? What am I going to do tomorrow? Should I have taken that dose of Nyquil again? Are the sniffles and difficulty sleeping enough of an excuse, and are there problems with taking those doses on consecutive nights? Is there enough oxygen in my house? Is it warm enough that I can open the windows? Will my neighbor start smoking on her deck again, basically pouring that awful smell into my house? How do I wake up and get myself going? How do I get the dishes done? It's been a while since I vacuumed too. I should go grocery shopping and get more variety of food to make sure I'm eating okay. I should try to avoid social media and email tomorrow too... it takes a lot of my time... but won't I just go to my other distractions? Games? Shows? Movies? Sleep? Should I be doing more to help my father? More to help my mother? What about my happiness? How do I find that? Is it in finding someone to love? How do I find that too? Am I really in a mental state where I could find love? Can I let someone in? Am I too set in my ways? Am I just going to do what's comfortable and pass time with distractions again tomorrow? Will things ever change? Will I be able to make them change? Is my heart beating faster again? Is that a sign of a problem? Should I be worried about that? I can't sleep... am I awake enough that I should go back downstairs and watch some TV? Read a book? Daydream? Meditate? And will any of those things do more than help me fall asleep tonight? How do I make myself change things?
Doesn't everyone worry like this? Shouldn't I bear this burden? Shouldn't I be strong enough to do what needs to be done?
I went on a trip to Costa Rica to see my friend get married. I was upset at first that to attend I had to spend a bunch of money. But it turned out to be what is probably my best memory. It was of course great to see my friend get married... it was a wonderful experience by itself. But I also got to do a zipline tour, and a coffee plantation tour... both were great. I got to go to the beach, and marvel at the feeling of being in that water on a hot day. I got to try the local foods, and it was startling how good it was... like the quality of the ingredients was far higher than what I can get here in New England. Even just sitting on the porch outside the guest house I was staying in was wonderful... just sitting taking in all the information I could with all my senses... the feel and taste of the air... the sounds of the rain forest... the gorgeous view of trees and mountains and a mountain lake... it was the closest I've come to believing in magic. I met a girl... a great girl that I still miss and think about sometimes.
When I was there, I didn't have to think. I was away from my world. I had no internet connection. I had no work. I had no chores. I had no responsibility. And my mind wasn't racing. I slept so well. I woke up feeling rested and ready.
I felt happy.
I know it was a vacation, and that vacation does that kind of thing for everyone (who isn't traveling with kids anyway). It's an escape from responsibility. But I think that if people really are dealing with things like I am, or perhaps more... then the society we built up is putting too much pressure on us. Or maybe I've just got more things to deal with than some. Or I don't handle it well. Whatever...
I feel like I need to find a way to live life taking care of the necessities, but without having things to worry about so much. I need to find a way to whittle down the sources of stress. I just don't know how yet... or maybe I do... and I just get scared... and distract myself again... and pass another day... and sleep poorly.
[sigh]
