I don't trust my own judgement with respect to what I want. I think maybe I just don't know. I'm not sure I've ever gotten something I wanted. I don't recall ever having something where I felt happiness that lasted beyond a distraction. The longest happiness I recall feeling is about a week long. I have things that I've collected. Things in my house. Things I think I'd be distraught to lose. But the saying about your things owning you is true here. I cling to them. I am anchored to them. And while I feel comfort with these things, I don't feel happy. I'm not living the life I want to be living.
One of the aspects of my life I feel like I'm missing out on is companionship. I'm single. I have been for a lot of years. I've lived alone. For a year I even wasn't working a full time job... I was alone in my house far too much. I'm worried that it damaged me somehow. I'm worried that I don't know how to be with people... I'm worried I don't know how to let someone be part of my life. But I think I want that. I think I want to meet someone. I have this "sense" in my mind that when I am in a relationship with this person I want to meet, that I'll come home from work feeling weary and then just seeing her will be enough to make me smile a real smile. I'll feel happy just to see her. We'll talk, and laugh, and relax, and hold hands while we sit on the couch and watch a show we both enjoy. I feel like I really want to be with someone, but as I said in the first sentence: I don't trust my own judgement.
In that year I spent not working, I tried to start my own company. I did so... it technically exists. But I didn't finish the product I had in mind... it's still sitting there 75% of the way done. I thought I really wanted to have my own company... to not go back to a cubicle job working for someone else. I still think I want that compared to sitting in that cube... but I didn't try like a person who really wants something. I've tried writing novels. I've tried getting myself into a regular exercise routine to get in shape. But all these things I think I want to accomplish don't come to pass. I don't work for them. I give up and fall into my normal routine. I find the comforting things I know, and I just pass time. I'm not sure what I'm hoping will happen as time passes. But things aren't going to change unless I change them. And I just keep avoiding changing things.
And there's a feeling I associate with this realization I have when I don't do the things I want to do. The things I think I want to do. It's in my chest. And it feels so empty. My breathing changes, and I can feel tears start to build. I think I'm scared.
The reason I'm thinking about this, and writing about it, is because of someone I think I'm interested in. I've known her for a little while... well... as well as you can know a bartender... as well as she let me know her. We get along well enough. We sometimes chat for a while, and it's nice. I've been interested for a long time, but she was in a relationship. Past tense. I've been going to that restaurant/bar for a while now, and they know me there. Tonight I happened to go with a couple friends, and we didn't sit at the bar. Our waiter knows me, and knows I'm interested in Meg. He made a point of telling me that Meg is single now. It dominated my thoughts for the rest of the night. It's still on my mind. And I feel that empty feeling again.
I could have talked to her. But I got scared, and I didn't. And my uncertainty about what I want comes into play here too. I'm finding arguments against talking to her. I know she smokes, and I really don't like the smell of cigarettes. So I find myself trying to argue my way out of just talking to her... so I don't feel as bad when I don't talk to her. I can try to believe that it wouldn't have worked out anyway. This happens really any time I feel like I might meet someone and have hope it'll turn into something more. I get scared; I talk myself out of it; And I go home feeling empty.
I don't want to be alone anymore. It's painful. But I don't seem to be doing the things I'd need to do to change that.
