It's been too long since I've posted anything, and as usual, I have too much on my mind. I'm not sure I can write about most of it... or rather, I'm not sure anyone wants to read much of it. So I guess I'm writing this as a therapeutic exercise.
I think I'm alone. There are people in my life... but I think I keep them all at a distance. I think I'm also a little bitter that some of those people... well... it feels like they are the ones who created the distance. I think I feel a little abandoned.
But I don't do anything about it really. I just go on being alone. And I intend on continuing to do so... because I don't want to meet new people. I like other people when they leave me alone. I have been told I should find a hobby that gets me out of the house to a place where other people do the same hobby. But I have this strong aversion to meeting new people. I have it in my head that I won't like new people. I think that's partly based on the frequency of annoying people in public (mostly on the road I guess).
I just came up with another idea. I wonder if I don't want to meet new people because I'm pretty sure they will dislike me.
I have no self esteem it seems.
Alright, what I'm more specifically thinking about is how I am romantically alone. I want to find someone. I want to have a lasting reason to smile again. But there are so many obstacles. Many of those obstacles are self wrought. Like my avoidance of meeting people.
I'm also extremely picky. I can't help that. It's just a matter of what I find attractive. So yeah, I might as well say that I require a girl to be physically very attractive for me to have any interest. I tend toward slimmer girls on the spectrum of what's considered beautiful. Keira Knightley, Natalie Portman, Kristen Bell, and Sarah Carter are the kind of women that catch my eye. Yeah yeah... celebrities... but it's a point of reference. I see plenty of women in the real world who appeal to me, so it's not just some make up and a good camera angel. Women that appeal to me do exist.
Anyway, once my interest is piqued by the physical aspects, I have other things I look for. First, she has to have energy and be just a little pushy... I think I need that. I think I need someone to encourage me to get outside my comfort zone a bit. She needs to being willing to laugh... I love laughing... and having someone to share a laugh with is something I really want.
There are a few things I know I want an absence of. Smoking is the most important on that list. I HATE cigarette smoke. That stuff is so nasty... I don't even like being in an elevator with someone who has smoked recently. It stinks. It makes me feel unclean just being near it. And anyone willing to subject themselves to that as a habit... I don't understand them, and don't really want to be around them. I understand that smoking is an addiction... and it's hard to stop... but that doesn't change that it's disgusting and very bad for you. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who smokes.
Another thing not far behind smoking is religion. I am anti-religion on every level I can think of. On the personal level, I find it to be an illogical thought process to believe in something that no one can prove is there. It's exactly like having an imaginary friend, but for some reason it's the norm for adults to adopt this practice. An individual that believes may have been brain washed as a child by whatever religious institution their family attended, so I can understand the cycle and why religion hasn't died out, but an individual that is willing to believe despite a complete lack of proof, let alone evidence, is of less interest to me than one who has come to a better conclusion. As I think on it... I suppose I'm less opposed to the individual having a belief that something is out there, than I am to someone whole heartedly belonging to a church. Believing in the existence of an all powerful creator is one thing, but believing that any religious organization got it right is just plain silly. Those people scare me... because they seem to outnumber everyone else, and they have a measure of control over my future.
Anyway, I don't like religion, and would prefer to avoid someone who thinks that Adam and Eve is a true story, and that we all came from these two people.
It would be nice if this girl and I had some things in common too. But I'm not making that easy for anyone. I love guns, I enjoy skiing (seems like most women avoid the cold hobbies if they can help it), I'm a sci fi geek (I love Star Wars and Fire Fly for example), and I love watching anime. That's right... japanimation. Top of my list of anime right now is Naruto, though there are many I would say I "love". Several more worth mentioning: Gundam Wing, Cowboy Bebop, Bleach, Irresponsible Captain Tyler, and Martian Successor Nadesico.
Sorry... I'm going off on a tanget I guess. I didn't really mean to talk about what I like. I was supposed to keep paying attention to why it's unlikely I'll meet a girl that fits my criteria. I guess it comes down to me being a weird person. I'm generally aloof from new people if possible, I find overweight women unappealing, I am tremendously opinionated about religion (and a few other things I haven't mentioned yet), I have strange hobbies (like playing video games... forgot to mention that one), and to top it off... I have no confidence that I'm a likeable enough person that any woman I'd be interested in might be interested in me. That right there is a self-perpetuating cycle. I lack the conifdence to approach a woman I might be interested in, so I never meet anyone... which feeds my belief that there's no one who might be interested, which of course means I think something is wrong with me... and I end up not having any confidence.
I guess that's all I wanted to write. I was pretty sure an "answer" wasn't going to present itself.
