Sometimes I wonder if I messed up somewhere along the way in growing up. I really enjoy solitude... I find myself craving it. But in a weird paradoxical twist of human programming, I can also crave company and attention.
At a given party, I can watch the person who's at the center of attention and feel jealous that I don't have what it takes to gather that kind of crowd. I sometimes try to do social things, but I'm not very good at it. Meeting people in public... new people... is something I'm especially bad at. I don't know what to talk about. I know computers. I'm pretty knowledgable about guns. I'm a practicing martial artist. I have a pretty vast knowledge of movies... which is the closest I can come to a topic that "normal" people might know about. Oh yeah... there's that I'm agnostic... which seems to be the minority... so religion as a topic is right out. I don't follow sports at all... I don't care about some professional sportsman making millions of dollars to play a game. I'm a little miffed that so many professional sports players complain about their salaries. they get to play a game to entertain people... while those people are off doing things like making sure the streets are clean, putting together furniture, and so... not making nearly as much money. I suppose it makes sense that a job where lots of people are willing to spend money will earn you more, but it does seem odd to me that a soldier who risks far more physically, who is ordered to be away from family and friends, and who may die for our sake are paid no where near as much as a professional athlete. Sure... the government might not use the soldiers terribly well... but that doesn't change that the soldiers chose to give their lives to us... for us...
Sorry... I went off on a tangent about how much I dislike professional sports and the fascination our country has with them. I understand that people need escapes... something to take their minds off the stressful parts of life. Sports just isn't it for me. So it's one less thing I have in common with "most" people.
I wasn't part of any clubs in highschool. I did no afterschool activities through the school. And I think I missed out on a chance to learn what it's like to be social with people then. I was reclusive even at that age.
I'm 31 years old. When I say it to myself I think about how bizarre that is. I'm a socially awkward person who's supposed to have lived enough life to know things... to know how to give advice to younger people about life will be like.
I'm still stuck wondering how to meet a girl to date. A woman. I'm old enough I guess that it's weird to call someone I could date a "girl".
So in all of that growing up where I wasn't having social experiences to learn those social skills... I think it became a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. I didn't have the social skill... so I was alone a lot. I was alone a lot, so I found ways to be entertained. I was entertained while I was alone, so I stopped trying to be social. I stopped trying to be social, so I didn't learn the social skills.
To back-peddle a little... I know manners at the dinner table. I know a decent amount about addressing people properly in different formal situations. I know when to be appreciative for kindness and graciousness. What I don't seem to know is how to be confident and relaxed around people I don't know. I tend to just clam up and start paying attention to what everyone else is doing. I start noticing things like who the most likely people in the room are to be dangerous. I start noticing where exits are. I notice potential weapons in case I might need them. I withdraw into my thoughts and the conversations people are having around me sort of disolve into background noise.
Those escapes... I love them. I perk up whenever they come up. But solitude... I wonder how long I can stand it... I probably need therapy.
So I guess this isn't a very useful blog for anyone. I think this was more an attempt at getting my thoughts out. I do this occassionally. It's sort of strange to me that I was just thinking I'd like to "feel normal"... to feel like I'm part of society. But I guess lots of people don't feel normal.
So what's the next step?
