I don't trust my own judgement with respect to what I want. I think maybe I just don't know. I'm not sure I've ever gotten something I wanted. I don't recall ever having something where I felt happiness that lasted beyond a distraction. The longest happiness I recall feeling is about a week long. I have things that I've collected. Things in my house. Things I think I'd be distraught to lose. But the saying about your things owning you is true here. I cling to them. I am anchored to them. And while I feel comfort with these things, I don't feel happy. I'm not living the life I want to be living.
One of the aspects of my life I feel like I'm missing out on is companionship. I'm single. I have been for a lot of years. I've lived alone. For a year I even wasn't working a full time job... I was alone in my house far too much. I'm worried that it damaged me somehow. I'm worried that I don't know how to be with people... I'm worried I don't know how to let someone be part of my life. But I think I want that. I think I want to meet someone. I have this "sense" in my mind that when I am in a relationship with this person I want to meet, that I'll come home from work feeling weary and then just seeing her will be enough to make me smile a real smile. I'll feel happy just to see her. We'll talk, and laugh, and relax, and hold hands while we sit on the couch and watch a show we both enjoy. I feel like I really want to be with someone, but as I said in the first sentence: I don't trust my own judgement.
In that year I spent not working, I tried to start my own company. I did so... it technically exists. But I didn't finish the product I had in mind... it's still sitting there 75% of the way done. I thought I really wanted to have my own company... to not go back to a cubicle job working for someone else. I still think I want that compared to sitting in that cube... but I didn't try like a person who really wants something. I've tried writing novels. I've tried getting myself into a regular exercise routine to get in shape. But all these things I think I want to accomplish don't come to pass. I don't work for them. I give up and fall into my normal routine. I find the comforting things I know, and I just pass time. I'm not sure what I'm hoping will happen as time passes. But things aren't going to change unless I change them. And I just keep avoiding changing things.
And there's a feeling I associate with this realization I have when I don't do the things I want to do. The things I think I want to do. It's in my chest. And it feels so empty. My breathing changes, and I can feel tears start to build. I think I'm scared.
The reason I'm thinking about this, and writing about it, is because of someone I think I'm interested in. I've known her for a little while... well... as well as you can know a bartender... as well as she let me know her. We get along well enough. We sometimes chat for a while, and it's nice. I've been interested for a long time, but she was in a relationship. Past tense. I've been going to that restaurant/bar for a while now, and they know me there. Tonight I happened to go with a couple friends, and we didn't sit at the bar. Our waiter knows me, and knows I'm interested in Meg. He made a point of telling me that Meg is single now. It dominated my thoughts for the rest of the night. It's still on my mind. And I feel that empty feeling again.
I could have talked to her. But I got scared, and I didn't. And my uncertainty about what I want comes into play here too. I'm finding arguments against talking to her. I know she smokes, and I really don't like the smell of cigarettes. So I find myself trying to argue my way out of just talking to her... so I don't feel as bad when I don't talk to her. I can try to believe that it wouldn't have worked out anyway. This happens really any time I feel like I might meet someone and have hope it'll turn into something more. I get scared; I talk myself out of it; And I go home feeling empty.
I don't want to be alone anymore. It's painful. But I don't seem to be doing the things I'd need to do to change that.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Sunday, March 9, 2014
the absurdity of religious reasoning strikes again... this time in my family.
If you've read some of my earlier blog posts, you probably know how much I hate religion. Yeah... I'm not going to try to be tactful. Religion is an awful influence on humanity at nearly every level, and I'm tired of acting like it deserves any kind of respect. As for the people who believe in it... well... okay I'm willing to try to be polite at least to the person, but I will still not show any kind of respect for the the religion.
So here's what prompted this blog post. The wife of one of my cousins is very religious. She seems to actually believe there's a god of some sort and that prayer works. And she even has evidence... er... uh... well... she has events that she's claiming support her assertion, but she's wrong. And it's frustrating to me that if I point out to her that she's wrong using actual logic without the flaws she's using, she'll be mad at me, and she won't change her mind anyway.
And here are her posts on Facebook. Now it should be taken for granted that I'm happy her mom is doing well. But that has nothing to do with the religious aspect of this.
In her posts she asserts that prayer works, that her god is good, and that her mother's well-being is evidence of these things. She doesn't even mention the doctors. Or the possibility of simple chance. Or the possibility (if we're making stuff up) of aliens in stealth ships orbiting us, and intervening when their telepathic listeners tell them people are praying for something. Why so much praise for the imaginary friend that she chose, and none for the doctors? That angers me by itself. I'm angry enough that I'm having a hard time writing this essay in a clear way without letting emotion guide my words.
Assertion 1: Prayer Works
Is it true? No.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Efficacy_of_prayer
At best, prayer has psychosomatic effects. Believing that something might intervene and help can affect the body... mind over matter. It has the same effects as placebo. So the person who is ill might feel better, and their bodies might do better as a result. Of course, the people praying for them feel better too... as though they're helping somehow. So maybe there's value in letting these people go on having their comfort? I think it's specifically harmful to believe such things without any evidence, and certainly no proof... but I'll discuss that later.
Assertion 2: God is good
Is it true? No.
There are several problems with this assertion. The first problem is the assumption that God exists. And there's literally no evidence of the existence of an all-powerful, all-knowing, caring being that created the universe. I've been looking for evidence because if I'm wrong about the existence of a god, I'd like to know. But all of the evidence ever brought to my attention is based on faith. Every argument I've heard (and I've heard a lot) boils down to faith. If I have faith an invisible pink unicorn lives in my house with me, protecting me from evil gremlins that want to harm my home, that doesn't make it true. Having faith in Zeus and his fellow gods doesn't make them true. Having faith in Odin and his fellow gods doesn't make them true. Faith cannot be used a evidence. You can't say something is true because you believe it is true. Well... you can say it, but you wouldn't actually be supporting your assertion. You might even be right... but your way of supporting the assertion is faulty. So since I've never been given evidence of the existence of a god that isn't based on faith, I have no reason to believe that there is a god. And so the statement: "God is good" falls apart right there.
The second problem with the assertion that "God is good" in this context of prayer helping a sick woman, is the assumption that God helped the sick woman. You think God helped her because you prayed? Or did you see a glowing, floating, humanoid being reach out and touch the woman (and you assumed this was God)? What about those doctors? Did they have anything to do with it? No? Just the prayers and God? The truth is that we have no way at all to support the assertion that God intervened in any way. Even if God exists, there was no event that even suggested that a god intervened. So giving credit to God for the good act is faulty. Unless of course you have faith, because that's unassailable. In case it isn't clear, the previous sentence was as sarcastic as possible.
The third problem with the assertion that "God is good" is the ignorance of all the other things happening in the world. Children are starving, diseased, and dying in less fortunate places. Is that good? It that okay? I don't think so. And if God is willing to intervene in the sickness of one woman, why isn't it willing to intervene in the suffering of all those children? Do they have to pray for help? If so then, doesn't that make God an awful person?
"I'll only help you if you ask for it. What's that? You had never heard of me and didn't know to ask? Well that's not my fault... you should have found one of the other people a world away who had the answers."
So what we have is a God who will help a sports team beat another sports team, and who will help a sick woman in a hospital, but who won't help hundreds of thousands of sick dying children who don't have the benefit of a hospital... or the luxury to enjoy a sports event.
I assert that if there is a god that is paying attention to us and who intervenes: that god is a douchebag.
Assertion 3: Her mother's well-being is evidence that prayer works
Is it true? No.
I've already addressed this one really. And I'm sure you don't want to hear me re-hash too much. But she ignored the doctors entirely, and jumped straight to the conclusion that she wanted to believe instead of looking at what the evidence actually showed. It didn't matter that she didn't have a control group that withered in sickness without prayer. It didn't matter that prayer wasn't the only thing being tried (lots more variables means poor scientific practice). She just assumed it was prayer and claimed that the outcome was evidence that prayer works. She doesn't have evidence of prayer working. She has a belief that she's supporting with fundamentally incorrect statements.
My own assertion: Religion is harmful to humanity, to nations, to communities, and to individuals
You know what... this deserves its own treatment. I've talked about it in some older blog posts, but I might need to go through that process again. I might be able to make it more clear. Bullet points though...
I'll leave it there for now. Keep an eye out though if you're interested in reading further anti-religion posts. One more thing I'd like to be clear about. I support the freedom of religion. But I do not support using religion as an excuse to harm or impede other people in any way. That's it. Good bye for now.
So here's what prompted this blog post. The wife of one of my cousins is very religious. She seems to actually believe there's a god of some sort and that prayer works. And she even has evidence... er... uh... well... she has events that she's claiming support her assertion, but she's wrong. And it's frustrating to me that if I point out to her that she's wrong using actual logic without the flaws she's using, she'll be mad at me, and she won't change her mind anyway.
And here are her posts on Facebook. Now it should be taken for granted that I'm happy her mom is doing well. But that has nothing to do with the religious aspect of this.
In her posts she asserts that prayer works, that her god is good, and that her mother's well-being is evidence of these things. She doesn't even mention the doctors. Or the possibility of simple chance. Or the possibility (if we're making stuff up) of aliens in stealth ships orbiting us, and intervening when their telepathic listeners tell them people are praying for something. Why so much praise for the imaginary friend that she chose, and none for the doctors? That angers me by itself. I'm angry enough that I'm having a hard time writing this essay in a clear way without letting emotion guide my words.
Assertion 1: Prayer Works
Is it true? No.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Efficacy_of_prayer
At best, prayer has psychosomatic effects. Believing that something might intervene and help can affect the body... mind over matter. It has the same effects as placebo. So the person who is ill might feel better, and their bodies might do better as a result. Of course, the people praying for them feel better too... as though they're helping somehow. So maybe there's value in letting these people go on having their comfort? I think it's specifically harmful to believe such things without any evidence, and certainly no proof... but I'll discuss that later.
Assertion 2: God is good
Is it true? No.
There are several problems with this assertion. The first problem is the assumption that God exists. And there's literally no evidence of the existence of an all-powerful, all-knowing, caring being that created the universe. I've been looking for evidence because if I'm wrong about the existence of a god, I'd like to know. But all of the evidence ever brought to my attention is based on faith. Every argument I've heard (and I've heard a lot) boils down to faith. If I have faith an invisible pink unicorn lives in my house with me, protecting me from evil gremlins that want to harm my home, that doesn't make it true. Having faith in Zeus and his fellow gods doesn't make them true. Having faith in Odin and his fellow gods doesn't make them true. Faith cannot be used a evidence. You can't say something is true because you believe it is true. Well... you can say it, but you wouldn't actually be supporting your assertion. You might even be right... but your way of supporting the assertion is faulty. So since I've never been given evidence of the existence of a god that isn't based on faith, I have no reason to believe that there is a god. And so the statement: "God is good" falls apart right there.
The second problem with the assertion that "God is good" in this context of prayer helping a sick woman, is the assumption that God helped the sick woman. You think God helped her because you prayed? Or did you see a glowing, floating, humanoid being reach out and touch the woman (and you assumed this was God)? What about those doctors? Did they have anything to do with it? No? Just the prayers and God? The truth is that we have no way at all to support the assertion that God intervened in any way. Even if God exists, there was no event that even suggested that a god intervened. So giving credit to God for the good act is faulty. Unless of course you have faith, because that's unassailable. In case it isn't clear, the previous sentence was as sarcastic as possible.
The third problem with the assertion that "God is good" is the ignorance of all the other things happening in the world. Children are starving, diseased, and dying in less fortunate places. Is that good? It that okay? I don't think so. And if God is willing to intervene in the sickness of one woman, why isn't it willing to intervene in the suffering of all those children? Do they have to pray for help? If so then, doesn't that make God an awful person?
"I'll only help you if you ask for it. What's that? You had never heard of me and didn't know to ask? Well that's not my fault... you should have found one of the other people a world away who had the answers."
So what we have is a God who will help a sports team beat another sports team, and who will help a sick woman in a hospital, but who won't help hundreds of thousands of sick dying children who don't have the benefit of a hospital... or the luxury to enjoy a sports event.
I assert that if there is a god that is paying attention to us and who intervenes: that god is a douchebag.
Assertion 3: Her mother's well-being is evidence that prayer works
Is it true? No.
I've already addressed this one really. And I'm sure you don't want to hear me re-hash too much. But she ignored the doctors entirely, and jumped straight to the conclusion that she wanted to believe instead of looking at what the evidence actually showed. It didn't matter that she didn't have a control group that withered in sickness without prayer. It didn't matter that prayer wasn't the only thing being tried (lots more variables means poor scientific practice). She just assumed it was prayer and claimed that the outcome was evidence that prayer works. She doesn't have evidence of prayer working. She has a belief that she's supporting with fundamentally incorrect statements.
My own assertion: Religion is harmful to humanity, to nations, to communities, and to individuals
You know what... this deserves its own treatment. I've talked about it in some older blog posts, but I might need to go through that process again. I might be able to make it more clear. Bullet points though...
- Lots of war
- Terrorism
- Willingness to vote into law concepts based on faith instead of reality (abortion and gay rights come to mind)
- Letting kids die because you don't believe in medicine
- Letting your own life take a course because you believe in a religion, instead of taking action to make things better.
I'll leave it there for now. Keep an eye out though if you're interested in reading further anti-religion posts. One more thing I'd like to be clear about. I support the freedom of religion. But I do not support using religion as an excuse to harm or impede other people in any way. That's it. Good bye for now.
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