Almost like the Terminator movies...

We had walked the grounds nearby, scouting for useful information on ways closer and ways out.  We were being as careful as we knew how, and everything seemed to be going well.  We knew how we intended on getting in to the compound, and out again.  We had a plan meant to keep us from interacting with any guards at all.  Stealth was the tactic we untrained few intended on, but we were preparing for what might happen if we got caught too.

We had picked a small motel on the road nearby and gotten a room there to start our incursion from on foot.  We had parked cars not too far away for us to get away to.  We had gear laying around the room and it was finally the morning we were going to execute our plan.  We were all putting our gear on.  Chris had woken us up at the appropriate time, but I remember hearing someone complain, and I remember being upset about being awake so early.  In attendance...

- Chris Marsh
- Allison DeLuca
- Rich Hirsch
- Sarra Shubart (Rich's wife)
- Justin Hanssen
- Michelle Hubert
- Michelle's husband Brian
- Me... Kevin Tipa

We were all sitting in this dark motel room prepping our gear.  I had my Beretta 92fs, my extending baton, and my Kevlar vest... but the vest was more than a vest here.  It had shoulder components, leg and groin components, and head gear along with it.  I remember looking over at Rich and Sarra and thinking about how scared Sarra looked in her similar gear.

Justin was in the middle of putting on his gear, and he chimed in with a simple "I'm out".  We all knew what he meant.  He wanted to go back to his wife and kids.  I told him that I understand, while feeling disappointed.  That was when I noticed.  We could see the target building from our motel room, and inside I could see people tearing crap up.  Destruction of property was the name of their game.  They wore no armor, and fired no guns.  They were just inside doing a part of what we were there to do to.  We were better prepared with explosives, but they were faster than us apparently.  I pointed this out to the others, and Michelle said it was her parents.  They were part of the resistance too, but I didn't know them, and no one had told them about our plan.

The timing was close, because seconds after we saw them destroying what they could through the windows, the door to our motel room burst open.  It was guards from the compound.  And the first one in the door strode right up to me and pointed his gun at me.  Time seemed to slow down as I watched three more guards pouring into the room behind him.  In my head I started sorting through the techniques I would need in order to disarm the guard in front of me, and my first choice even played out in my head, and my imagination of the technique resulted in wrestling for the gun for too long, and me failing at the end.  I opted instead for simple, and I used a technique that hits the gun holder in the inside of the wrist and the back of the hand.  It forcibly bends the wrist in preparation for a wrist lock and break, and forces the gun holder to drop the gun.  It worked, and I quickly broke the guard's wrist at which point he fell to the ground clutching his wrist.  The other three guards were too far away, and I hadn't had a way to signal the others that I was about to do something, so I was first to go after the other guards too.  I drew my pistol and fired at his unarmored face and hit.  He went down with a thump...

~~~

and I woke up.  The dream ended, but I remembered after waking that in the setting of the dream, the company we were trying to break into was developing humanoid combat robots... something sort of like in Terminator but with no effort to make them look human.  Just humanoid in shape and size so they could go where ever we went.  We were part of a resistance that was intent on destroying the facility enough to halt production for a while.  It was important to our continued survival whether we were part of the resistance or not.  The people making these bots were the selfish rich persecuting the un-wealthy masses... using these robots to keep violent control over the population.

Crazy dream.

The Speed of Thought

I think more than I want to.  I would guess that most people are thinking non-stop, all the time.  I would guess that the way I think is normal.  I'd guess that everyone starts thinking about all the things that need to be worried about as they lay their head down to sleep.  Are bills being paid?  Did I eat well enough today?  Did I make good use of my day?  Did I exercise at all?  What am I going to do tomorrow?  Should I have taken that dose of Nyquil again?  Are the sniffles and difficulty sleeping enough of an excuse, and are there problems with taking those doses on consecutive nights?  Is there enough oxygen in my house?  Is it warm enough that I can open the windows?  Will my neighbor start smoking on her deck again, basically pouring that awful smell into my house?  How do I wake up and get myself going?  How do I get the dishes done?  It's been a while since I vacuumed too.  I should go grocery shopping and get more variety of food to make sure I'm eating okay.  I should try to avoid social media and email tomorrow too... it takes a lot of my time... but won't I just go to my other distractions?  Games?  Shows?  Movies?  Sleep?  Should I be doing more to help my father?  More to help my mother?  What about my happiness?  How do I find that?  Is it in finding someone to love?  How do I find that too?  Am I really in a mental state where I could find love?  Can I let someone in?  Am I too set in my ways?  Am I just going to do what's comfortable and pass time with distractions again tomorrow?  Will things ever change?  Will I be able to make them change?  Is my heart beating faster again?  Is that a sign of a problem? Should I be worried about that?  I can't sleep... am I awake enough that I should go back downstairs and watch some TV?  Read a book?  Daydream?  Meditate?  And will any of those things do more than help me fall asleep tonight?  How do I make myself change things?

Doesn't everyone worry like this?  Shouldn't I bear this burden?  Shouldn't I be strong enough to do what needs to be done?

I went on a trip to Costa Rica to see my friend get married.  I was upset at first that to attend I had to spend a bunch of money.  But it turned out to be what is probably my best memory.  It was of course great to see my friend get married... it was a wonderful experience by itself.  But I also got to do a zipline tour, and a coffee plantation tour... both were great.  I got to go to the beach, and marvel at the feeling of being in that water on a hot day.  I got to try the local foods, and it was startling how good it was... like the quality of the ingredients was far higher than what I can get here in New England.  Even just sitting on the porch outside the guest house I was staying in was wonderful... just sitting taking in all the information I could with all my senses... the feel and taste of the air... the sounds of the rain forest... the gorgeous view of trees and mountains and a mountain lake... it was the closest I've come to believing in magic.  I met a girl... a great girl that I still miss and think about sometimes.

When I was there, I didn't have to think.  I was away from my world.  I had no internet connection.  I had no work.  I had no chores.  I had no responsibility.  And my mind wasn't racing.  I slept so well.  I woke up feeling rested and ready.

I felt happy.

I know it was a vacation, and that vacation does that kind of thing for everyone (who isn't traveling with kids anyway).  It's an escape from responsibility.  But I think that if people really are dealing with things like I am, or perhaps more... then the society we built up is putting too much pressure on us.  Or maybe I've just got more things to deal with than some.  Or I don't handle it well.  Whatever... 

I feel like I need to find a way to live life taking care of the necessities, but without having things to worry about so much.  I need to find a way to whittle down the sources of stress.  I just don't know how yet... or maybe I do... and I just get scared... and distract myself again... and pass another day... and sleep poorly.

[sigh]