Meandering Thoughts on Life and Dating

I write a lot of negative material on this blog. It's usually argumentative and unfriendly. I'm not happy about it really. The posts are honest, but I seem to like to look at things from an adversarial point of view most of the time. For example, my long post about Valentine's Day being awful. It was honest, and I think it holds value, but it's very negative, and makes me seem an unpleasant person. Maybe I am an unpleasant person.

I read a friend's blog post today which is about what romance is to them. It even mentions Valentine's Day, and it even agrees with me about how if the love is real, it won't need a day each year to prompt the shows of affection. But that friend is much better at conveying the important message than I am. I ended up with a diatribe against a holiday that really only has as much meaning as you allow it to have. I should have written about love instead. Tracy (that friend who wrote the above linked blog post) made me think with her writing. I really appreciate it.

So here I am thinking. What kind of person am I? What have I turned into? Am I really that negative all the time?

I know that I'm lonely.

I joined eHarmony a while back, and have been moderately active in reading profiles and sending messages. Just a short while ago, I got a message from some one named Rebecca. And we seemed to get along well in our messages. And I was really excited about going to have dinner with her. We made plans to meet. And she cancelled them. I was left wondering if something was going on with her or if I had said something that turned her off.

Earlier today, I noticed an article on the eHarmony site called "7 Signs of a Desperate Dater". It lists some things that I'm afraid I might be doing. Regardless of the specifics, I'm sure that I'm coming across as desperate. I'm desperate to find someone. I'd like to find someone that I connect with in a strong way. But I think I might be at the point where I'm not really being myself. Not in the understood social norm of not being yourself entirely when you first meet someone, but in the way where my state of mind is preventing me from being myself. What Rebecca must have seen... and what people see in general is the unappealing desperation. It's a horrible first impression.

Now I wonder how I fix that. I think I need to stop wanting so hard. I need to stop needing that connection. I'm not sure how to do that. I've been told on many occasions that "you'll find what you're looking for when you stop looking". I hate that saying. It basically means that I have no power in the situation. I'm unhappy about situations where I have no power at all. I'm not looking to control everything, but knowing that my fate is in my hands is something I cherish. In this case, my fate is entirely out of my control. At least it seems that way.

And maybe I'm taking the whole thing too seriously. I seem to want to jump straight into a serious relationship. Maybe I should be looking to just date... maybe I should be open to the possibility that things don't have to be serious. It can just be two people enjoying spending some time together, and maybe it won't lead to anything.

This is turning into a negative post again. I wanted to write that I had come to some sort of revelation, but it's not working out that way. I guess I'll wrap it up.

I need to learn how to focus on the positive matters in life. And I need to learn how to relax. I really don't think I've been able to do that before.