Everything fell apart. I'm mentally not well. I made a mistake, and then some more. And because I failed at addressing it as I grew up, people are suffering now. A baby is going to miss a chance at a good happy life now. I messed up so badly and so many people are hurting because I did. Because I'm not good enough.
When I was a teenager, I knew I wanted a relationship. I just didn't understand how to connect with a girl. And I grew to believe that women were not interested in me. I turned to porn. And at the time, torrent was pretty new and I was just learning about it. I searched for videos. And I managed to find a set of 4 videos of a young girl... too young. I'm estimating but I think I was in my early to mid 20s. And I saw the videos... and... they aroused me. It feels disgusting saying that now, but it's what happened. And I saved the videos.
What I should have done was take those files to the police right then and there. Maybe they could have helped that poor girl. Maybe they could have found her and helped her. Hindsight. I didn't understand at the time. I just didn't know.
Over time as I replaced computers and backed things up to external drives, I lost track of those files. I forgot they existed. But I was still heavily dependent on porn. Nothing illegal... just young-looking actresses. Not always. But a lot. And I was saving as much as I could. I'm a hoarder. I draw comfort from knowing I have stuff saved... even if I never see it again.
For roughly 2 decades I was single and lived alone for most of it. And I still didn't have a clue about relationships. When my current wife found me, she was already a friend, and I think that was the thing I didn't understand. Women are people... I should have been hoping to meet people I have things in common with... people I can just spend time with and have it feel natural instead of feeling like I have to perform to earn attention.
At some point early on, my wife found some of the pictures of younger looking girls. And she explained to me how that hurt her. The next lesson I should have internalized better. Prior to that conversation I didn't understand how porn could hurt a relationship. Making my wife feel like she isn't what I want. I deleted everything that was on the current computer. But I didn't go through the electronics in the basement... those old drives that had been collecting.
Years later, and life is full of stress. Twin children. And a foster baby that I desperately want to give a good life to. So many jobs that I hated. Trying to contribute to chores and projects and keeping the house and family running and feeling like the only things that I had time for were mobile games and collecting pictures... My stress coping mechanism was pictures and videos. I hadn't managed to change that. I knew that if my wife understood how much I was saving, it would hurt her emotionally, but keeping it hidden meant in my head that I could still use it as a way to feel okay for just a few minutes in a life that I was drowning in.
The masturbation fantasies around the pictures... I had to explain why someone so young would be interested in me. Why it was "okay" for that situation to be happening. How I would have met them. Or how I could accept it for the fantasy. I'll be really clear here and say that the thoughts have never and will never translate to reality. I understand that those thoughts are seriously unhealthy and that acting on a real-world situation like that would be emotionally and psychologically harmful to a girl. But the fantasies in my head... they're not okay.
I brought one of those old drives up to my computer and copied the files onto my laptop, thinking I could go through them and see if anything was worth keeping. Some totally normal stuff like old writings from when I was younger, but I knew there was likely porn on the drive. What I didn't know was that it was a drive with the set of inappropriate files on it. And I copied it into a cloud backup folder. The next day, they cancelled my account. And I was terrified. It was my next set of mistakes.
I should have gone straight to the police again. But I was scared and I hoped it would amount to nothing. I should have told my wife. It would have hurt her. And that's why I didn't tell her I think, but I still should have. I should have told her how much I was drowning and told her the mistake I had made. I didn't. I deleted the files and hoped to never have to think about them again.
In October, the police raided my house. All my electronics were taken. I didn't have a way to communicate with anyone. I lost my job because the police took and kept my work computer. I love that job and the people I worked with. The foster people took the foster baby away. Understandable, but it hurts so much that I failed her. Child protective services told me I can't even communicate with my kids because of the nature of the investigation. And I'm staying with my parents... because I hurt my wife so much. And she's really been so much kinder that I likely deserve. Kinder than I think I deserve now anyway. I don't know what the future holds, but whether she lets me into her life again or not, I will always support her. I owe her so much and in this time of reflection I have only confirmed just how much I love her. Why wasn't that love enough to overcome that stupid coping mechanism? I don't know. But the therapy I'm getting back into is going to focus a lot on that and how to build myself better.
The police are still investigating me. They told me that they're looking for criminal activity. To see if I create and distribute that... uh... I can't settle on a word that sounds genuine and which I can bring myself to use... that illegal material? And to see if I have ever had sexual contact with a minor. I am not a content creator/distributor and I have not and never would hurt a child that way (or any way). I would protect children. Any child. I'd risk my life to protect children. I know and am confident that I am not a danger to anyone in the real-world. I just need to figure out to fix my mindscape. To fix how I deal with stress.
I'm not sure what conclusion this essay has. Maybe it's just me venting like I would to a journal, but I'm posting this story to my blog. Some part of me has thought I should record some videos of me talking... about my sickness. I know people will hate me if they know. But how can I move forward at all if I don't face the problem? Maybe this essay is for people who have a similar sickness. My advice to you is to ask for help. Maybe you are clever and strong enough to fix yourself, but if you're hiding and feeling scared... find a therapist and ask for help. My previous experience with therapy was a good one, but I was never brave enough to ask for help with this particular issue of porn addiction and liking younger-looking actresses. I should have been. It's another one of my failures. I should have asked for help.
This set of events has blown up my life and the lives of my family. It's a bad thing that hurts so much. But maybe it was the only way to make me face my problems. So, maybe my last piece of advice is to not wait until everything explodes. Face the demons. Ask for help now. I'm sorry. One more. Don't give up. I've thought about harming myself. I don't think much of myself at this point. Giving up has appeal. But my kids deserve so much better. I'll face whatever consequences I have to for my failures. I'm not robbing them of their dad. I'll do anything for them. And I hope I can find a way to help the foster daughter I want to adopt. I suspect I won't be allowed and it might be too much for my family to carry, but I don't want to fail her. There are people I refuse to give up on. I'm going to keep trying, even if it hurts me. Don't give up.
